You’ve Got To Start Somewhere
I’ve been thinking about writing this post for days, months, weeks, perhaps even years. But, something always gets in the way. Sometimes it’s ADHD – task initiation, planning, prioritization, or some other executive function that I’m deficient in. Other times, it’s my perfectionism, excessively high standards, maybe RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria), general insecurities. And then there are the times I think that what I have to say is so unimportant and can’t possibly be of value.
For some reason, today I overcame all of those demons. I love dissecting things (not actual things, though) and figuring out the why behind actions. I’m not always able to crack the code though. But, I do have plenty of theories 🙂 So, let’s see if I can shed some light on why I was able to write this today. My hope is that in doing so, I can help you get unstuck too. Maybe something I write will send you down some path of self-discovery, or maybe knowing that other people out in the world are struggling too, will be enough to push you over that hump. Or maybe not. And that’s ok too.
I used to love Choose Your Own Adventure books as a kid. I think it’s the combination of the structure and freedom to choose. I’m going to tackle this blog post with the same approach.
Imagine you are the main character in an amazing story. Maybe you are royalty, or maybe you are a famous internet celebrity. Or, maybe, you are just an ordinary 45 year old mother of two twice exceptional kids and are struggling to get through each day without exploding. The story is yours to write. You can embellish all you want, your secret is safe with me. Now, imagine that the main character is feeling bored, restless, unsatisfied with life. This feeling is pretty familiar at this point in the story. It’s happened many times before and the main character has even tried to tackle this feeling with an inspired idea. Sometimes the novelty of the new idea stays in her head. Sometimes, it makes it into her conversations. And sometimes, it even becomes reality. The thing is, the main character is getting pretty annoyed that she doesn’t feel in control of when she actually follows through on her creative pursuits.
For a while now, she’s had one of her “ideas”. She isn’t sure exactly what it will turn into, but the idea keeps doing laps in her brain. She knows it’s not going to leave her alone until she takes a moment to get to know it a bit better. When she finds out more about the idea, she’s pumped. Part of her has already imagined her life ten years down the road with the success achieved from implementing her amazing idea. And another part of her is shoving the idea into a closet in her mind, never to be acknowledged again.
She feels a bit like she’s locked in a prison of her own doing. She doesn’t want to repeat all the old patterns of the past. She’s ready to dig deep and get clear on what’s paralyzing her.
If you think the main character is paralyzed with fear, click here.
If you think the main character is paralyzed with executive dysfunction, click here.
Paralyzed With Fear
Wow, you’ve bravely chosen fear as your impedance. Good on you for acknowledging your feelings! You win… Well, you win something. But, there’s more obviously. Fear comes in all shapes and sizes. Here are a few that my main character is familiar with:
- What if nobody likes my idea?
- What if people make fun of me?
- What if my idea isn’t good enough?
Here’s the thing, there is NO WAY you will please everyone. Just spend 30 seconds looking at any comments section on the internet. For everyone who loves something, someone else hates it. The internet really fucked us people pleasers up. Before the internet, I only ever heard directly from a person what they thought about something. Or, maybe I’d hear rumors through the grapevine. But, I never got to read EVERYONE’S unfiltered thoughts about me. You aren’t supposed to know all those thoughts! So now, we live in this new reality and us people pleasers really can’t win. But, it’s ultimately a good thing. Once you can accept that you can’t please everyone, then you can get back to pleasing yourself. Why does everyone, or even many people need to like what I have to say or offer? They don’t. What if they make fun of me? I guess the main character gets to decide if other people’s insecurities can control their actions. The main character I know is not a fan of being bossed around, thank you very much. As for good enough ideas, tweaks are a thing. You think the original iPhone was perfect? An idea can be good, or even great, and still have room for improvement. How boring it would be for the main character to get it right on the first go! Stories about people showing their vulnerabilities and overcoming challenges are far more enjoyable and worthwhile. I want to read THAT kind of story. The one where the main character wasn’t sure she’d succeed, but she tried anyways. And she sort of failed, but kept going and made changes and learned about herself. And, at the end of the story, she really had been triumphant. So, I guess the lesson here is that denying, ignoring, or hiding from the fear is not an effective strategy. Fear is a normal part of human existence. Acknowledging the fear is necessary to accepting it and moving past it. I want my main character to remember that fear is normal and not a reason to give up on an idea.
Executive Dysfunction
Ok… you opted for the executive function smorgasbord adventure! Congrats. There are only something like 12 executive functions, so not infinite options, but enough to make your head spin. If your main character has a handle on which ones are hard for her, well aren’t you an overachiever (high five!). If not, here’s a very basic questionnaire to get some insight into which ones your main character struggles most with. In our tale, our protagonist has trouble with emotional control (see the fear adventure above), planning/prioritization (btw, why are these combined? I feel like they are separate things, but maybe that’s part of why I suck at them??), and organization. Task initiation is a close fourth. So, lots of areas for the main character to get tripped up. The internet is chock full of resources on how to tackle each of these dysfunctions. I’m not going to go down this rabbit hole, but here are a few resources that speak to me (How to ADHD, How to Keep House While Drowning). Instead of recreating the wheel, I want to talk about how the ADHD brain is inherently different than a neurotypical one. Dr. William Dodson is an adult ADHD expert and has introduce the concept of an interest-based nervous system in those with ADHD. A neurotypical brain is motivated by the importance or priority of a task, rewards for succeeding and the consequences of failing. On the other hand, an ADHD brain has a interest-based nervous system. These brains are motivated by an inherent interest in the task, a sense of competition, novelty or urgency. In considering the protagonist of this epic blog saga, I can say she’s leaning into the interest and novelty parts of her brain to move from idea to implementation. What factors are playing a part for your main character?
Now that we’ve read each ending, how do we use this information for next time? How do we keep the story going and not find our protagonist spending the next three weeks play Zelda: Breath of the Wild everyday? I think the answer comes down to acceptance. First, acknowledging and accepting the fear that’s trying to keep her down. And, second, acknowledging and accepting her neurology that responds differently than the majority of the planets’. Accept and adapt. Find ways to make the task interesting, novel, urgent or competitive. And remember, just as G.I. Joe so famously said, “Knowing is half the battle.”
